This is late, and I’ve been quiet lately, but here’s to a serene Yule.
I’m crafting candles in the basement, and an unexpected calm has washed over me. Whatever you believe, if you listen hard enough, I think you can find it too. ❄️
This season’s hush prompts me to reflect, and that is a dangerous business. It gets me hauling the ugly parts and past hurts out of storage—a delicate unraveling of emotions, shaking off the dust to see what to hold onto and what to release.
Pain. There’s been pain this year. A lot of it isn’t mine, but here it is, mixed up in my things. Death. A baby who wasn’t. Injury. Dreams that withered on the vine.
The scent of pine from the candle pot makes these memories a little more tolerable. The universe may be an enigma, but faith, like a trusted companion, remains.
Tears. Frustration. A hint of disappointment. It hasn’t been the best year. Yet a smile comes to me as I hear Jason again in my mind. “I love you. Let’s travel.”
Stir the pot. Release the scent. Take the temperature.
I’ve never really been anywhere. Well, with a mind like mine, I feel as though I’ve traversed vast landscapes, but physically, I’ve been anchored. Something I need to change.
I bundle up when I’m down here.
In the frosty basement, I ponder our human fragility—no fur, just exposed feelings.
Fragile. So easily harmed.
My brother is lucky he walked away from his car accident. And fortunate that he is a stronger person now than he was a few years ago. Committed to doing his best. I like that.
Is there such a thing as powerful peace? That’s what I feel. Like it can eat my worries. One by one. Like I can burn them off like so much steam coming from the pot.
This year ushered in new connections and rekindled old ones. I’m grateful. People to lean on and joke with in times of trouble…it matters. It means so much.
I always need to slow down when I pour candles. Control it. Aim for the center, don’t splash the sides. Check the position of the wick.
The other night, I went out and unexpectedly felt beautiful. I am not always the most confident person, and I wasn’t aiming to feel stunning, but I did. I felt good. I seem to see more of that side of myself as the years go by. As if the small imperfections that once drove me mad mean less-a delicate dance between self-assurance and compassion. I’d like to see even more of that confidence in myself in 2024.
So here’s to Yule, to age and to time. Here’s to these vessels for confidence and conduits for empathy. May the years continue to weave their magic.
I’ve enough candles to weave mine.
Category: Tough Stuff
Tinsel in My Hair
While fixing my hair in the mirror, something caught my eye. I could swear I saw a sparkle as I pushed my bangs into place.. Nah, I’m probably imagining it. In fact, it’s probably just these old highlights. Time to get my hair fixed up again anyway, and…WAIT! Right there! I’d really seen it this time. Like a strand of tinsel hiding in the dark brown.
I leaned toward the mirror and practiced deep breaths while I tracked down the offending hair. I slowly and methodically peeled away the other strands until I held it, alone between my fingertips.
Not brown. Not an old highlight either. This mutant colour went all the way down to the scalp.
I pulled sharply and brought the hair in front of my face. Are you freakin’ kidding me? Surely this was not anything that belonged on my head.
What I held before me was silvery-white. Not grey. Shimmering and white.
“JASON!” I yelled as I bolted downstairs and threw it onto his Ipad screen, forcing him to see it too. “LOOK! That came from ME!”
Jason shrugged and said something very annoying, like, “well, that’s life,” clearly not understanding the harrowing gravitas of this moment.. You see, I simply cannot go grey. This had to be a mistake. I am NOT going grey.
I forced him to examine my glorious scalp of heretofore young, lustrous and healthy hair. Do you know what he did? He found another one and pulled it out! The bastard! He put it next to its sister and I stared at them both dumbly. These strands looked thick, resilient and strong, but they were undoubtedly….white.
I demanded to know if there were any more. I begged Jason, in a slightly frantic tone, to tell me the truth.
Jason, not being a stupid man, sensed the effect this was having on my now hazardous mood and elected for the peaceful route. He lied to me.
And of course, I bought it.. Ha. I’m not actually going grey. Just a couple of weird hairs. And we pulled them out anyway. I mean, I’m not even 40, there’s no way!
The relief lasted until the next day, when I spoke to a girlfriend with an honest streak. “Oh, you’ve got greys,” she said, as she indulged me, by also examining my scalp, “I can see a bunch.”
At first, I was upset. I swore I wouldn’t tell anyone else. However, I found myself intrigued enough by this new thing that it just kept popping into my mind and out of my mouth. I told some of my friends, but almost every time I had the conversation, something funny would happen. The friend in question would lower their voice and say, actually, I’ve found a few myself…
Excuse me? My friends. My young and sexy friends are going grey? Impossible.
I called my parents and told my mother over the phone “Oooh, you’ve got your father’s genetics.” she said, quickly absolving herself of any blame in this tragedy. She did have a point. I’m not sure the woman has a strand of grey yet. My father, on the other hand, is plenty grey, but I swear his started later. He offered his encouragement and declared that I should “wear it with pride.”
Proud or not, I did some quick googling. There is evidence to suggest that some grey can be caused by stress (hellooooo pandemic years), and because of that, some people think it can be reversed.
Reversed! Ok, the evidence for that is shaky, but here’s what I’ve managed to gather: If you are stressed, you need to relax. (Deep stuff) You also need to eat plants. Lots of plants. (You think that’s enough plants? No. Not enough. More! Go crazy with them.) Because some raw food vegans swear their diets have reversed grey. However, even if you stuff yourself on exotic fruits and cruciferous veggies, you still might be doomed to snow on the roof.
Hmm…Can I get an estimate on how long this all-salad approach will take?
This whole thing is weird. Up until now, I hadn’t even considered the prospect of grey hair. I wasn’t expecting it to show up for a few decades yet. I’ve always said that if I did go grey, I would just dye my hair anyway. That I didn’t want grey hair. That I would never “embrace it.”
But when I first saw it, it was beautiful. It didn’t strike me as ugly at all. When I spotted it, it shone silvery whilte. It looked like it belonged to a unicorn or something. Like…kinda pretty.
Honestly, I’m probably going to keep dying my hair. Not to hide the new “sparkles,” but because I still think lime green, blue, magenta and purple are more fun colours than anything I can grow naturally.
Still, I might just let my silvers show through. Once I earn a few more of them. They’re not so bad.
Things About This Year That Weren’t Garbage
**Note: I think this was written in November of 2020. For some reason, my blog is CONVINCED that I just wrote it. Please enjoy this year-end reflection . It works almost as well now as it did in 2020!
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I don’t begrudge anyone who wants to celebrate Christmas early this year. You want two whole months of homey good vibes? After the year this planet has had? Go right ahead. Sing all 13 syllables of a proper “Gloooooooooria” at full belt as you trim your tree, and keep sipping eggnog until 2021 is well and truly in.
I’m cool with that. We all need comfort. We also all need to show ourselves that little bit of seasonal hope. This year will eventually end! Maybe next year will be better!
I don’t remember another time in my life when I heard so many people saying to each other “stay safe.” Heck, those are just normal parting words now! So yeah, I’m on board for optimism. That’s why even though it’s only November, I want to go ahead and highlight some of the actual non-sucky things about this year.
Look, I know I’m on dangerous ground here. In 2020 it is a little uncouth to say, “Wow, I’ve had such a great year! It’s not my goal to gloat, and I feel the stress too. That said, no matter what happens, I still believe in the power of gratitude.
Here are some things about #thisyear that weren’t utter garbage:
- We had a huge snowstorm in January to kick off this crazy year. The most snow I’ve ever seen in my life. Huge snow walls all over the city. It was both insane and awesome. (I mean that it literally filled me with awe.) Somehow, we dug out from it. It was a state of emergency that had nothing to do with Covid. I’m grateful I have my partner, and I am grateful we were able to shovel so much snow together.
- When this whole Covid thing started, I was lucky as heck to have the flexibility to begin working from home. It’s a huge change, but I’m so thankful I was able to do this. I recognize that many were not so lucky.
- Tulips! I don’t know much about gardening, but this year I grew tulips, and I am IN LOVE WITH THEM. I planted a bunch more in September for next spring. I will be so excited to finally see them!
- I found myself better able to cope than anticipated. I am an already-anxious person, and yes, this year has been hard, but because I have already met anxiety and depression before (hey guys, what’s up?), I already had some things in my toolbelt to deal with the new normal. Journaling, exercise, talking to people I trust when I need to, meditation, singing, hot baths with cups of tea…I have a few ways to deal with the suck, and I never have to feel completely lost and alone.
- I got more into essential oils. Hooray for hippie-dippie bullshit! Don’t worry, I haven’t fully gone off the deep end. I don’t believe that essential oils cure illnesses, or that they can magically protect against covid or anything like that. But I do think they smell nice. I have accumulated a little shelf of witchy vials. I love making my office smell like limes. Or peppermint. Or vanilla. Delightful!
- I taught myself to jump rope. I know I already mentioned this. I am still not great at it, but I can at least do it now. Learning something new has been great for my self-esteem. I started in May, I think. I’m still working on stamina! (Although right now I seem to have an ankle issue and I need to take a little break. Not for long, I hope!)
- I got a promotion. It is not a stretch to say that my life has not gone as I imagined! I have a very serious-type grownup job. When I initially took this job, I thought I was a “square peg in a round hole” and that the whole thing was incredibly temporary. Instead, here I am, 3.5 years later and I am feeling like an appreciated part of the team. Not only that, but my creative perspective is valued and respected, and I am trusted to advise my coworkers. (Are you kidding me?? How cool is that!)
- I got to know my bowflex. It’s been sitting in the basement, but because of the lockdown I wound up putting in the time to learn the machine. It’s not bad at all. You really can do a lot with it.
- I spent time hiking and exploring this summer. I got a family pass for the botanical garden too! It’s been beautiful and inspiring. It has lifted my soul. I want to hike more. I am still not running, so this is a decent alternative. (Plus there’s journaling. I have discovered that for me, all hiking requires adequate snacks and journaling.)
- I grew my hair. That’s been happening since March, so it’s finally noticeably different to people who haven’t seen me in a while. As an adult, I have pretty much always had short hair. From age 16 onward. Well, a lot changed with the lockdown, and I thought it might be a nice time to switch up my appearance, too. I can actually put it in a ponytail now. I can’t remember the last time that happened.
- Someone very close to me began taking more serious steps in their transition process. People becoming more fully themselves is a beautiful thing to witness!
- Trivia. In the past few months, some of my University pals and I have been getting together for a weekly online meeting/Trivia night. This has led to me talking to people I haven’t really hung out with in twenty years. It’s fun to have a weekly meeting of friends. I miss being social, so this has helped me. At first I was awkward, but I really, really look forward to Sunday night trivia now.
- Forgiveness. I have been working hard to let a lot of personal baggage go. I have been nerdy and awkward in the past. So what? Sometimes I ramble, and get excited and say the wrong thing. Who cares? Sometimes bad things happen and I gain a little weight in response. Whatever, it just makes me that much more voluptuous. I am not perfect, but I don’t need to rehash the past, or rethink every moment I’ve ever screwed up.
- The truth is, everyone sometimes says something stupid, or does something embarrassing, or feels insecure.
- ADDITIONALLY, everyone has flaws, and no one except me is placing all of these standards on my body. Really, having a bigger butt now that there’s a global pandemic seems like a pathetic concern. I’m fine. This is minor.
- An improved relationship with my sister. Maybe it’s how crazy the year has been. Maybe it’s age. I just find I can relate to her more. (Also, she has a great sense of humour, and this big laugh that makes people turn their heads in public.)
- Deeper thoughts about music. My obsession with music has only grown over the years. (I almost wish I had done music school, but would that have ruined it for me? I don’t know!) However, it is only recently that I have been thinking about: 1) the subjective nature of the concept of “good” singing and, 2) the racism/classism inherent in what is meant by “music theory.”
- With regards to “good” singing, there truly is no measure that applies to all singers in all scenarios. You can’t evaluate a yodeller based on an opera singer. Just because I, or anyone else has an opinion on which styles we like better, is it ever right to judge one as “superior” to the other? On what criteria?
- In addition to that, I have been able to seperate myself from my singing even more. What I mean is, I have increased my understanding of the fact that I can mess up and still be a “good” singer (Whatever the heck that means). People who are regarded as “great” singers still practice, mess up, have bad days and hit sour notes. That is normal. In fact, sometimes it takes hitting a few stinky notes to improve. If you’re not making mistakes, you’re not trying anything new!
- When someone talks about “music theory,” they are really talking about a very white and mostly 18th century European standard. Even if someone in North America studies in music school, chances are that they won’t learn a lot about non-European standards of music. I think this limited view is gradually changing, but we have traditionally evaluated and thought about music according to a very strict set of rules. These rules aren’t “bad” but they aren’t the only ones, and when we talk about “Music Theory” we should either be more specific or more inclusive. My mind was kind of blown by THIS VIDEO
- All of THAT said, I am keen to learn some more about music theory. Honestly, sometimes music is still like mystifying wizard-stuff to me, and I think it’s time I taught myself all of that theory stuff that seemed so terrifying back when I was a teenager.
- A greater understanding of my own perfectionist tendencies. That shit will hold you back. It is so much better to produce something imperfect than nothing at all.
- Renewed interest in the occult. Well…ok…that’s never really changed! But I find myself having more little rituals here and there, doing lots of reading and listening to podcasts like “Occult Confessions.” I don’t have a coven or group anymore, and that was initially hard to deal with, but I am still finding magick in the everyday. Lemme read your cards sometime. 😉
- Jason and I are more solid than ever. Actually, I think I need to work on being a little more loving to him. He is kind and understanding. He makes me laugh. Our late-night chats about everything are the backbone of our relationship. We bicker, but we are faster to get over it now. After 10+ years, I still want to grab his face and kiss it. Not half-bad!
So there you go, something personal but feel-good for these dark times.
Stay safe,
Jennnq
The Complication
Photo by Marcus Ganahl on Unsplash
For the past few days, everything has felt like it’s on pause. It all began on Tuesday, when I had my first appointment with the obstetrician. Initially, everything went as expected. I waited. I was called into an examination room and a nurse checked my vitals. More waiting. The doctor came in, and asked the usual questions about my health history and family background. Have I had surgery before? (Yes!) Was I taking prenatal vitamins prior to conception? (No!)
Then came the moment for the ultrasound. The obstetrician applied that familiar cold jelly to my stomach and began moving the wand over my abdomen. As he scanned, his expression shifted. He measured, frowned, measured again. I read concern on his face. Everything came to a halt.
The embryo was small. Too small. Nearly a week behind the expected size. (In the initial weeks, every cell counts!) I was referred back to the hospital for a more thorough ultrasound. The obstetrician made it clear that he wanted me to be seen ASAP.
I left that appointment and cried in the parking lot. Too small is a big problem.
Wednesday morning was the earliest I could be seen for an ultrasound. Jason and I went to the hospital and waited until I was called in. Once in the examination room (thankfully, this time the gel was warm!), the technician performed the ultrasound, her face betraying nothing. It’s not their job to interpret the results, so they don’t usually say much. I tried to read her face anyway. Was that sadness? Concern? Just how she looks when she’s focused? I searched for clues.
Post-ultrasound, we were given the green light to leave, with the assurance that the obstetrician would be in touch soon. Finally, the wait was almost over. We decided to make a trip to the grocery store, and I returned to work, attempting to distract myself from my growing anxiety. Jason took care of household chores, periodically checking to see that I had my phone nearby. We waited, the minutes stretching into hours.
The phone finally rang around 7:45 PM. After a day of worry, the doctor’s voice began with the dreaded word “unfortunately…”
There was no heartbeat. No more growth. There was death where there was supposed to be life.
I believe our culture needs to open up about experiences like these. It’s scary, but it’s common. A loss happens in 10-20% of known pregnancies, and in countless undiagnosed ones. It’s far more normal than we realise.
That said, while I thought I was prepared for the possibility of miscarriage, the reality hit me harder than expected. My life is still paused. My soul floats in darkness. There is no baby. This collection of cells was never going to be a person in this world.
And that’s alright—or at least, that’s what my logical mind tells me. There are even perks; I no longer need to follow the rules of pregnancy. Espresso is back on the menu. I can feel my energy coming back. My Garmin watch tells me that my energy level is now at a staggering 90% of its maximum capacity. 90 friggin’ percent. A couple of weeks ago, 40% was a struggle. So much goes toward growing a baby, there’s not much left for you!
Energy coming back should be good, but it makes me feel worse. There’s a certain guilt in even momentarily enjoying its pleasure. How could I? How dare I?
Since I have a ‘silent’ miscarriage, there have been no symptoms. No cramps. No blood. This seems a mercy, but it is the opposite. It means that my body isn’t working to expel what is no longer viable. As you can imagine, it still has to come out.
There are three options. Each with drawbacks and benefits:
You wait it out. It’s natural and doesn’t typically require medical intervention. However, you could be waiting weeks for the blood and cramping to start. That’s an uncomfortable thought!
You take medication to bring on a medical miscarriage. This way, you get to control approximately when it happens, but this may not always go to plan. (Sometimes it just doesn’t work.) Also, you have to physically take a pill knowing that it will make you feel very sick. That sucks.
You can also have an operation/ D&C. Dilation and curettage is a procedure where you can be put under anaesthetic and have the contents of your uterus suctioned out. Although it’s a quicker option, there is a potential risk of injury.
Now, while all of these sound like an extremely pleasant weekend, I have chosen the medical route.
So that’s what I’m doing today. I’m not sure how much of an update I’ll give. I can honestly say that I never thought this would happen to me. I was wrong. Thank you to everyone who has been so kind and supportive so far. I know that I am surrounded by love and support.
An Unexpected Peace
I surprised myself this morning by waking up feeling dead calm. Not stressed at all. Not even the slightest hint of anxiety. I felt healthy and centered. Wow, this was unexpected. What a gift!
Nearly my first thought upon waking was, what have I done lately to deserve this? Have I kept a perfect diet? No. Has my sleep been optimal? No. Have I been meditating lots and lots? Nope! Honestly, I haven’t done anything really out of the ordinary. Nothing special. Nothing that I can put my finger on that’s distinctly repeatable. In the end, I have to sigh and accept it; I have no way to bottle this feeling and save it for another time!
Oh, well. In my current state, this doesn’t bother me much. All things are transient. I will feel stress again. I will feel even more fantastic than this again someday, too. I can only be here. Now.
(Whoa, who am I, and what have I done to the real Jennnq??)
Another, slightly more disturbing thought also came into my mind. This must be a bad sign. I am high energy by nature. It’s not generally a good omen when I get quiet, focused and serious. It usually means that something bad is happening. A small part of me fears this strangely “balanced” feeling, because I tend to get really out-of-character levels of focus when things are about to get REALLY bad. Like, personal tragedy levels of bad. Like life-changing and scary levels of bad.
I’ve only met her a few times, but there is a very different side of me who takes over when things are dire. She’s a version of me who sidesteps self-doubt because she simply no longer has time for it. She knows that shit is happening RIGHT NOW, and therefore, she must act RIGHT NOW. She looks people dead in the eye and tells them what to do, if that’s what is required. She’s not a bitch, but she will assume a leadership role if no one else is stepping up.
That’s not me. Not the normal me, anyway. Although I’m a little bit proud to know that she’s hiding in there. Strong and resilient, beneath this nervous, colourful outer layer.
But why now? Why am I like this now? Is my brain just sick of anxiety? Has all of my past meditation paid off all at once? Perhaps it is best just to enjoy this feeling for what it is. This is much better than freaking out. (I suppose that I will have to stop thinking of this side of myself as a harbinger of doom!)
I wish I could tell you how this came together for me today. Since I can’t, all I will say is that I genuinely hope the same for you. I hope that you are also finding some moments of peace and tranquility. What a mess out there.
The Upside of Jealousy
No one is proud of being jealous.
It never makes you look any better. It’s not exactly endearing or cute. Because it’s such a negative feeling, it is often assumed that jealousy is to be fully avoided. After all, being jealous does nothing to improve your life, right?
Worse, since it is seen as a “bad” feeling, most of us will do our damndest to pretend it’s not there at all. We’ll shove it aside, ignore it or try to out-think it. I’m not jealous! Of course I applaud my friend’s successes! We assure ourselves that we’re happy for that coworker who just went on her dream vacation. We can’t stop smiling about so-and-so’s fabulous wedding. We’re genuinely excited to see that acquaintance’s impressively-ripped fitness selfies!
Except of course that we’re all human, and watching other people succeed can make you feel like your own life is lacking. That’s ok. Experiencing jealousy is completely normal. Wait, let me say it again, just in case you missed it…
Getting jealous is normal.
It doesn’t make you bad, or immoral. It is not proof that you are a terrible person or a terrible friend. It doesn’t mean that you are weak, or that you have failed. It only means that you’re jealous, which is a thing that happens sometimes, and when it does happen it’s worth exploring.
Why? Because far from being something we should shove aside and deny, jealousy is actually useful. Jealousy shows us what we’re missing and where we can improve. It can illuminate your path for you. What if your jealousy is really a compass, trying to show you which way to go in life?
You may notice that you never get jealous of people doing things you have no interest in. Instead, people tend to develop envy around others with similar backgrounds, experiences and life goals. You’re more likely to be jealous of someone who is a lot like you, but who has accomplished something that you haven’t. .
For instance, there is a much greater chance of my experiencing jealousy over someone’s successful writing career than over how well they play football. I may be able to admire a player’s physical strength, ability and speed, but I can’t imagine watching a football game and feeling envy! But then, it’s not as if I ever dreamed of becoming a football player. It’s not something I have any emotional connection to.
Jealousy, on the other hand, is deeply emotional. It awakens a dissonance within us. It reminds us of the distance between our actual achievements and our dreams. This internal dissonance between reality and our goals is a wonderful clue as to where we should focus our efforts. You don’t need to internally reprimand yourself for being jealous. The important thing is how you deal with it.
Because, yes, there’s definitely a wrong way! There’s a reason why jealousy has a bad reputation. Shoving down your jealousy until you can’t take it anymore, denying it or letting it fester will almost certainly produce disastrous results. Instead, we must strive to hold jealousy up to the light for further examination.
Notice that I am not talking about blaming yourself, I am only saying that you should acknowledge those feelings. Observe them without judgement. Ok, this person has inspired this uncomfortable feeling. Why? What’s this person got that you ain’t got? (Be as specific and detailed with yourself as possible!) What do you feel is lacking in that area of your life? What can you start doing to change that? This type of analysis is insanely valuable. Your jealousy is really motivation in disguise. Use that jealousy to help you uncover what is making these successful people so successful, and then channel that fire into your own efforts.
A funny thing happens when you analyse jealousy, too. It tends to fall apart. Seriously! Typically, once you’ve teased apart your jealousy enough to understand your own motivations, you’ve taken all of the vitriol out of the feeling. After all, YOU got jealous because something is unfulfilled in YOUR life. Now that you’ve acknowledged this (instead of burying it), it’s easy to see that the target of your jealousy is not the problem. If anything, they were just the messenger.
Once we take on the jealousy and work through it, it will lose its power. Then the jealousy becomes a little friendlier. Softer. Much more socially acceptable. Boil jealousy down into its component parts, and I believe that you’ll ultimately be left with inspiration. And feeling inspired to work toward the life of your dreams is something you can be proud of!
That Awkward Time I Lost a Marketing Job Because of THIS BLOG
Back before I got started in my current position, I had applied for a job with an exciting local marketing firm. It seemed like a really cool place to work. I could easily imagine myself as a part of their creative team. My days would be spent collaborating with my brilliant colleagues, sipping coffee, having great ideas, and putting together snappy writing for high-paying clients.
I had dropped a few applications at marketing/PR firms around the city, but I really liked this place. I loved their crisp, colourful website. I loved the good things I had heard about their reputation and work. I also loved how they seemed to treat their employees.
Creatives are a special bunch. We tend to wither in grey cubicles. This place didn’t have any. It had open rooms for discussion and one hell of a break room. (Apparently their employees also have video game tournaments sometimes? Not really my thing, but it’s evidence that they seemed to encourage fun at work.)
Their firm definitely appealed to me…the opportunity to write for a living while also actually enjoying my time at work? YES, PLEASE! I applied to this company and I included a portfolio of my work.
My stuff is pretty varied. Sure, I can write an ad for a truck, but I might also write an essay about something that matters deeply to me. Or a poem about an interesting experience. Some of my work is philosophical. Some of it is a bit more frivolous. Some of it, quite honestly, is centered on fitness-related topics. I like to write, and whether it’s about a political injustice, or the proper way to supplement with creatine monohydrate, I’ll try my damndest to produce something meaningful.
Right. So they got my rather varied portfolio, a little time went by, and I actually got called for an interview! Huzzah!
The big day came, and I was nervous. I dressed nicely and did my best to maintain composure. I made a valiant attempt not to appear shaky or to sweat through my clothes. I arrived on time, checked in at the front desk and was asked to wait. No problem…except it was at this point that I noticed a bit of a red flag. I had to stand and wait, because there was no chair.
Huh. Why would you have this ultra-modern firm, with this spacious reception area and with all of these beautiful décor items, and no freaking chair? In a reception area?
I couldn’t help thinking that this was a huge oversight. What if not everyone is able-bodied? What if people visiting this office are sometimes tired? Pregnant? What if they just want to be able to sit comfortably? Nope. Too bad. Shit out of luck. Once you’re in this waiting area, you’d better be prepared to stand around, awkward as heck, waiting to finally be ushered in to your big meeting.
Whatever. I paced around a bit, and shifted my weight from foot to foot (all the while continuing to sweat, obviously) until I was finally called in.
I was shown to a brightly lit boardroom, which was about 90% occupied by a giant, white, plastic-y office table. There, I sat (ahhh, finally!) across from a manager and the creative director.
It was a really decent interview. They liked my stuff. I said a lot of the right things. My nerves had wrapped themselves around my excitable personality and I was doing that whole “silver tongue” thing I sometimes do. (It doesn’t always happen, but when it does, everything comes out of my mouth sounding just a little smarter than I anticipate it will. It’s a weird, unpredictable superpower! ) So yeah, everything just kinda came together. This interview was easily one of my better professional interactions.
Afterward, I left the “no-chair” marketing firm practically bouncing. I was so convinced that I had crushed it! Now I just had to wait.
Nearly two full weeks went by before I got called back for another interview. It was enough for my excitement to have cooled a bit, but at least I was still in the running!
So, I went back for interview number two. Once more I waited in their insufficient reception area. I resisted the urge to mention the chair situation.
THIS time when I finally got to the plastic-table boardroom, they were even more open and honest with me. The interview proceeded in a relaxed and jovial fashion. I successfully made them laugh. They told me more details about the actual position. They really seemed to like me.
Turns out they wanted someone to write online copy. Ok! I can do that! They wanted it to be very tourism-oriented. No problem! Hand me a sou’wester! They were looking for celebration-of-Newfoundland-type stuff. Sure! I’ll write about puffins, white caps, and craggy cliff faces to beat the band!
Unfortunately, it is at this point that I made a mistake.
THEY were telling me about how they wanted this tourism-style blog thing, and I got excited and wanted to be impressive, so I was all like, “blogs? I love blogs! I have a blog! YOU SHOULD READ MY BLOG!.” (Ugh. Why? WHY???)
As a real, live, working human being, when I take to my online blog, I am not usually looking to create interest in the many products, services and experiences available in this fine province. I’d rather rant, journal, play with words and use this space to just…think about stuff.
I’m also not much of a photographer. These facts taken together mean that my blog does not look much like a tourism ad!
I don’t know if there was a communication issue, but apparently that was somehow what they expected.
Within a day and a half of having access to my blog site, I received an extremely curt email. Two lines to tell me they were “going in a different direction.” (No video game tournament for me.)
Bummer. After 2 AMAZING interviews. After I had become genuinely excited about this prospect.
This sucks so much, because there is not a doubt in mind that I could have written all that kitschy stuff. If I had my time back, I would have clarified exactly what they wanted an example of and offered to produce it. (Especially since I know that they had liked at least some of the things in my portfolio.)
Lesson: Not every style of writing will work in all situations. (My deeply personal blog was not a boon here, but a turnoff.) Also, I still need to work on being ASSERTIVE. I could have helped myself out a couple of years ago by communicating better. I also should have taken control of the situation by getting the details and going ahead and producing a sample. (And I should have been VERY CLEAR that my blog was filled with personal reflections, thereby modifying their expectations.)
Upside to console myself with: I at least saved myself from working with a bunch of heels who can’t be arsed to get a couple of chairs and a decent coffee table for their waiting area.
I don’t care how sleek your design is, there’s just no excuse for that!
21 Days Complaint-Free
Overall, I would have to say that I am grateful. How could I not feel fortunate? I am healthy and mostly happy. I have a partner who is also my friend. Things with the new house are going well. My teenage offspring and I continue to enjoy a good relationship. (That last bit is not something I take for granted. I am well-aware that not every parent has this!)
Yet, despite all of the light and love present in my life, I would have to say that I am an EXCELLENT complainer.
I am a sarcastic and critical over-thinker. I am extraordinarily capable of poking holes in things. Sometimes, those skills are actually great! I can take a piece of fiction and deconstruct it six ways from Sunday. It’s also good to have a grasp on the possible pitfalls and risks, which is something my mind goes to automatically. (In a group of friends, I tend to be the one nagging people to reapply sunscreen and make sure they’re hydrated!) But sometimes… sometimes it just turns into me being an anxiety-bag, and picking the whole world apart, only to wind up annoyed because it doesn’t come up to my exacting standards.
Useless complaining doesn’t help anyone. Although it may feel good in the moment, It doesn’t resolve the situation. It doesn’t endear you to the people around you either, and I feel like…sometimes, it can actually stress you out. If you allow yourself to ruminate in that energy, there is no way you’re going to be a positive person. I would reason that complaining a lot makes it harder to be happy.
I first heard about the 21-day no complaint challenge through productivity guru Tim Ferriss’ blog. Tim, in turn, had been influenced by Will Bowen, who is a minister, author and motivational speaker. He is the founder of the “Complaint Free” Movement. (You can find out lots more about that here.)
The idea is so simple; you wear a bracelet as a reminder on your wrist. Any time you complain, you switch the bracelet to the other wrist and start over again. Eventually, you succeed by surviving a full 21-days complaint-free.
SO SIMPLE. Yet…the challenge is obvious. I mean, I’m a positive-thinker, but…I don’t think I know ANYBODY who doesn’t complain, at least a little. Imagine how your mind would change if you never complained. I mean, talk about cultivating a positive mindset!
Suffice it to say, I can’t really see this particular challenge as anything but positive for an over-thinker like me.
To clarify, I know that sometimes what could considered “complaining” is actually useful. The classic example is ordering something in a restaurant and not getting what you wanted. In this instance, yes, you should (nicely) complain! The difference here is that the complaint is constructive. You deserve a meal that’s to your liking, and bringing the problem to someone’s attention allows it to be resolved. Constructive complaining, where steps can be taken to resolve a problem, is ok. The complaining that isn’t helpful would be complaining to pass the time, to shame someone else, to make yourself feel better, or to reaffirm a negative belief.
I suppose that I love a good challenge EVEN MORE than I love a good complaint-filled rant, so I’m going to take today as my DAY 1. I am not going to purchase a special bracelet from the website, but there are bracelets/packages available, and they appear to come with a variety of supports and extras. You can support the movement and get an official bracelet here: acomplaintfreeworld.org Instead, I am cheaping out, grabbing a magenta piece of string, and ta-da! a bracelet that I can easily wear without having to take it off at night.
I’ll be posting updates as I move seamlessly and easily toward my day 21. (Sarcasm is still ok!) Each vocalized complaint means that I have to start again.
Anyone else wanna try this?
Yours in hopeful positivity,
-Jennnq
Non Navel-Gazing Friday
Earlier today I was writing some intense, navel-gazing foolishness about me, and all my complex inner workings, and how I had been feeling sad recently. (A lot of the reason why I haven’t been writing here much.)
A whole bunch of journal-appropriate venting about how I might seem one way, and be feeling another.
The drama.
That kind of writing never really works for me. Every time I try to explain about my own mental health, I just sort of graze over it. Fluff it up. Work around it. Never depressed. Maybe just “blue.” “Anxious,” not, “suffering from relentless anxiety.” Obviously, there are reasons for that, (who likes to admit to what is often perceived as weakness?) but I think that I’m ready to skip all of that crap for today.
Hence I’m scrapping most of what I wrote. Even some of the pretty words. No need to dance around how I feel or who I am. There’s also need for me to make myself out to be some kind of victim, or to feel sorry for myself because I am this extra-sensitive, squishy person on the inside. No need to play myself a tiny sonata on a teensy-tiny violin.
I’m not actually “crazy.” I may like to dance and sing and dye my hair green, and I may spontaneously decide that I ABSOLUTELY MUST LEARN HOW TO YODEL, but I’m not now, nor have I ever been “crazy” in the negative sense of that loaded word. I am firmly in this reality. I am not dangerous. I am non-violent. I am intelligent and loving and do not intend to do harm to myself or to anyone else.
But yeah, in case I haven’t made it clear, I know a little about anxiety and depression.
The world we live in, how our lives our designed, and the pace of life mean there are so many others like me; regular people who happen to be no stranger to inner darkness and self-doubt, or seem to have an over-active panic-button. If you don’t deal with those things, well, congratulations, because I hardly think they make me special. (Watch an all-news station for a while and try to keep yourself in a good mood! Attempt to attain a laundry list of societal check-boxes deemed necessary to make one ‘successful’ and stay relaxed!)
But it’s FRIDAY, and I really do feel fine, after all. I don’t really want to wallow, or sing a song about the darkness.
(Although I’d be happy to listen to something BY The Darkness…)
If you’re like me, I don’t think you should either. Plan to do something this weekend that gets your blood flowing and makes you happy. Don’t get lost in your own head. Find a reason to be grateful. Hug your cat. Phone a friend. Get distracted!
Let’s look up from our navels for a while.
-Jennnq
Happiness Tips for the Unemployed (and Underemployed)
Society is pretty relentless in showing us what “success” looks like. We know it well from television shows, music videos and social media. It is a sun-drenched life of privilege and freedom. It is a life where money is no object, and where everyone is almost effortlessly beautiful and popular. It is, of course, what many of us want for ourselves.
Unfortunately, lots of us must grow up to face a life that looks very different from the life of our hopes and dreams. No one’s goal is to be unemployed, or to feel underemployed and underutilized at work. The child within us, the one with the big ideas, cannot help but become dissatisfied. Where are those awards? The accolades? Where is the totally sweet company car? Where is all the money that the media tells us over and over again that if we just work really really hard for, we will certainly get? (Not to mention the big house, the beautiful, adoring partner, the luxurious vacations and, these days, the thousands of online followers!)
It can seem like we want to collectively sweep anyone who isn’t at the top of their game under the rug. Like we would rather ignore them until they get their eyebrows on fleek and some dolla dolla bills in their bank account. That’s hell on the ego, and with the current Newfoundland budget, it could also turn into a lot of sweeping.
So, what do you do if you’re the one facing tough times? How do you keep up your happy if your life isn’t quite the vision of success you were hoping to achieve by now?
Without further ado, here are my top ten tips for keeping your sanity, and your good mojo going when you are out of work, frustrated with your work situation or otherwise under financial strain.
- Pull yourself together! The temptation exists to let yourself slide when your prospects take a downturn. Fight this urge. Get dressed and put on your face, if that’s what you need to do to make yourself feel great. (Eyeliner makes me feel better every time!) Wear decent clothes. Eat a sensible meal. Make sure your household mess is tamed to a dull-roar. It’s cheesy, but when you make your world look and feel better, it’s hard not to be at least a little happier.
- Honestly assess your situation. It’s more convenient to play ostrich, but it’s way better for you to get this entire bummer situation out into the open first. This could mean that you sit down alone with an open computer and an open mind, and/or this might be a conversation you have with your partner. Either way, get out that budgeting app and look up your bank accounts too. It’s time for a thorough examination of where you are, so that you can get a handle on what it will take to get to where you need to be. Are your expenses basically covered? Can you afford to save anything? Do you have a cushion in case things get worse? Is there any spending you could conceivably cut back on?
- Take the best financial care of yourself possible. Once you’ve taken stock, you can make a goal-oriented plan. Seeing a way to move forward the best way to fight the blues! You might not get a job (or a raise) today, but you can at least be informed enough to know where you’re headed. (It may be highly beneficial to read up on finances, or seek out a financial adviser.)
Also, if you need to submit time-sensitive forms, (for EI purposes for example), make sure you do so early. Write those due dates down, or put reminders in your technology! It is depressing to have to ask for money, sure. It is more depressing to have NO MONEY because you didn’t take the time to do some basic steps. - GO OUTSIDE. It turns out that staying inside worrying and staring at a computer screen isn’t very happiness-inducing. Don’t do this to yourself. You DO have permission to go outside. Even if it’s just for a little while, and especially if it’s sunny out. I never come back home and think, ah damn, I shouldn’t have taken that half hour walk in the sunshine.
- Plan your days. If you go to bed knowing that you have no definite plans tomorrow, it can really drag you down. But wait…why don’t you have any plans? You may not be working, but, are you allocating some specific amount of your time to looking for a job? Do you still practice your hobbies? Do you make time for that walk we just talked about? A full, planned day when you are not working will keep your spirits up, and help you be more productive.
- Maintain a BUDGET. I mentioned a budgeting app earlier. It doesn’t have to be an app, but that’s certainly one convenient way to go. I am surprised by the number of adults I know who don’t keep track of personal finances somehow. It is so worthwhile! If you don’t want to use app and you like excel, or some other method, use that, but do something. Simply ‘hoping for the best’ money-wise is rarely a prudent approach. Track your budget, and actually log what you spend your money on. You could be very surprised!
- Don’t fixate. If you are taking good financial care of yourself, you are allocating time in your day for your job hunt, and you are trying your best to be on top of your budget, give yourself a break. You can worry about money when you do budget stuff, or when you actually sit down to pay the bills, but not for the rest of the day. If you have to, you could even write down your money worries to address later when you find them cropping up in your mind. You are allowed to use your mind for other things. (Yes, you are even allowed to be happy!)
- Hobbies. You have to do the things that make you “you,” even if you feel down. Whether it’s singing, or lawn darts, or Filipino stick fighting, or putting together giant puzzles in the basement, include some time in your plan for things that bring you genuine joy. These small pockets of activity will brighten your mood, and that tends to spill over into the rest of your life.
- Treat yourself. Ok, if money is tight and/or you’re between jobs, this might not amount to a weekend at a fancy resort. How about a new lipstick? A cool t-shirt? A haircut or a book to read? Even if your resources are limited, you can usually afford the occasional something that puts a smile on your face. Plan to make those small indulgences semi-regularly.
If even a few dollars seems impossible, make a list of non-monetary treats you can rotate through. You and your partner could exchange 15-minute massages. You could make a date with a friend for a walk in the park. You could make a trip to your local library. You could take a long, leisurely hour of yoga. The most important thing is that this be a brief celebration of you! We are all human after all, and we all need some excitement…just like how every calorie-counter needs a cheat meal! - Maintain Your Contacts and Stay Professional. It is important to not let any simmering resentment cloud your judgement on what constitutes “professional” behaviour. Do not burn bridges. Do not spurn former colleagues. Do not simply disappear either. Instead, challenge yourself to keep on top of your industry. Study up. Periodically email people whom you admire in your field. Check out forums surrounding whatever it is you do. You will feel much better if you are a part of the conversation.
As well, remember that employers typically waste no time in checking whatever publicly available information there is to be had on prospective employees. This underscores the need for an impeccable online profile. Make sure you represent yourself well in general. Are you someone YOU would hire?All in all, good luck, keep that smile on your face, and keep trying. I really do know it’s tough out there!
-Jennnq
Critical Happiness 