Months and months ago, I auditioned for a local movie. They were looking for “punk” characters, and they were also looking for people in my age group. It seems rare when projects are looking for either, so I got excited.
I signed up, got the sides (excerpts from the script), and got into it. I printed them out and marked them up. I repeated them aloud and mentally. I memorized them. I spoke them more than once to my cat. Got to know them backwards and forwards. Knew the exact intonations I wanted to use in certain places. At home, I had this down.
Then, I got to the audition, and as SOON as I was there, I was whisked into this room that was dark, except for one bright light and the camera in my face, and it was “action” right away, with no chance to breath.
It did.
Not.
Go.
Well.
I managed to get through the first part of it, and then I just…kinda froze? Not my finest hour, and definitely not what I would consider typical!
Anyway, I asked to start the scene over again (because OMG), and the lady said to me, and I shit you not, “No, that’s ok, we’ve seen enough.”
Ouch. Mortifying to say the least. Probably my worst audition ever. Especially for something that had seemed so easy peasy in my bedroom
Some time later, I spoke to my producer/director/actor friend Alix about it. I was still embarrassed, but she laughed it off, and said that everyone needs to take their “actor vitamins” once in a while.
Well, guess I was due again today. Holy Flip though. Do these vitamins ever suck. Only, I guess I can’t really call them “actor vitamins” since this time they’re not acting, but writing-related. Maybe just “artist vitamins”?
That kind of works. There could be a whole slew of “artist vitamins”! In my mind, those vitamins would include things like outright rejections, rejections that suck more because they take endless weeks, and of course the undying expectation that you can and will work for free, because you love your art, and you need ALL OF THE EXPOSURE.
Ugh. It’s hard to be bouncy. Rejection sucks.
A part of me feels like I am not even supposed to write that, or say that. Like it’s sacrilegious. Like I just get to carry on, pretending that nothing weird happened today, and that I am tough, and remind myself quietly that even if I DIDN’T get the job I wanted, the Universe has bigger plans for me, and everything else.
Blah blah blah whatever. I know all of those stories. But I didn’t get a job that I wanted today. Boo. At the end of the day, I understand that, and it’s ok, but guess what? It still blows, and it’s a bitter pill to swallow, and I don’t have to like it. Damn it.
So give me my time to sulk, and to be a jerk, and to let the vitamins work their magic.
Ha. As silly as it sounds, thinking of rejection in this way is helpful. Just knowing that these “artist-vitamins” are so very, very common makes it all a little better to think about. It worked on my brain after that God-awful audition, and it’ll help me now. A reminder of the universality of suck. Really, who HASN’T blown an audition? Mucked up a job interview? Who HASN’T been turned down for some cool thing? I bet even great actors, great writers, and great producers, people involved in the very best projects, have “artist-vitamin” stories that could make us all shudder and anxiety-vomit. Those people are still A-ok.
I’m still ok today too. I just get to take some more vitamins. Hell, given my love of supplements and choking down weird concoctions, this should be easy. Pop in those rejection-filled “artist-vitamins” between the probiotic protein smoothie and the vitamin B.
😦
-Jenn
P.S. I swear I’m alright. I have other projects to work on. ❤
Critical Happiness 