I surprised myself this morning by waking up feeling dead calm. Not stressed at all. Not even the slightest hint of anxiety. I felt healthy and centered. Wow, this was unexpected. What a gift!
Nearly my first thought upon waking was, what have I done lately to deserve this? Have I kept a perfect diet? No. Has my sleep been optimal? No. Have I been meditating lots and lots? Nope! Honestly, I haven’t done anything really out of the ordinary. Nothing special. Nothing that I can put my finger on that’s distinctly repeatable. In the end, I have to sigh and accept it; I have no way to bottle this feeling and save it for another time!
Oh, well. In my current state, this doesn’t bother me much. All things are transient. I will feel stress again. I will feel even more fantastic than this again someday, too. I can only be here. Now.
(Whoa, who am I, and what have I done to the real Jennnq??)
Another, slightly more disturbing thought also came into my mind. This must be a bad sign. I am high energy by nature. It’s not generally a good omen when I get quiet, focused and serious. It usually means that something bad is happening. A small part of me fears this strangely “balanced” feeling, because I tend to get really out-of-character levels of focus when things are about to get REALLY bad. Like, personal tragedy levels of bad. Like life-changing and scary levels of bad.
I’ve only met her a few times, but there is a very different side of me who takes over when things are dire. She’s a version of me who sidesteps self-doubt because she simply no longer has time for it. She knows that shit is happening RIGHT NOW, and therefore, she must act RIGHT NOW. She looks people dead in the eye and tells them what to do, if that’s what is required. She’s not a bitch, but she will assume a leadership role if no one else is stepping up.
That’s not me. Not the normal me, anyway. Although I’m a little bit proud to know that she’s hiding in there. Strong and resilient, beneath this nervous, colourful outer layer.
But why now? Why am I like this now? Is my brain just sick of anxiety? Has all of my past meditation paid off all at once? Perhaps it is best just to enjoy this feeling for what it is. This is much better than freaking out. (I suppose that I will have to stop thinking of this side of myself as a harbinger of doom!)
I wish I could tell you how this came together for me today. Since I can’t, all I will say is that I genuinely hope the same for you. I hope that you are also finding some moments of peace and tranquility. What a mess out there.
Critical Happiness 