Category: challenges

The Geriatric

Somehow, it’s already August, and I’m in the seventh week of pregnancy. This time around, things are different. I have a loving and attentive partner, Jason, by my side. Younger me was in a totally different place than I am now. (No need to dive into the details of my first pregnancy, but let’s just say having a great partner is a true blessing!)

Jason works on rotation, so he wasn’t home when I found out I was pregnant. He had to endure his entire hitch anxious to return. Talk about timing, right?

I think I’ve done remarkably well for someone who has said they were “done with all of that.” I adore my first baby, but since he’s 20 and an adult, we’ve been enjoying a fair amount of freedom in our lives. Let’s be real—it’s nice being an adult with an adult child. We can sleep in and eat lazy croissants on Sundays. I can take a spontaneous 3-hour hike. We can stay awake until 2 AM having intense conversations about everything. I completely understand the appeal of this lifestyle!

Well, let’s brace ourselves, because things are about to change drastically. In fact, they’ve already begun to change! According to my fitness watch, my resting heart rate has gone from 51-53 beats per minute to about 60. I’ve also noticed my mood go up and down and a little extra tiredness.  And oh, the hunger! The hunger is huge. I’m talking constant snacking and planning what I’ll eat next while I’m still eating—it’s madness! I must plan ahead to make healthy choices. Otherwise, I’ll be stuck with a carb-heavy diet!

Some of my favourite things so far are curry with rice, giant salads, and tonic water with lime. (Like a gin and tonic without the gin!) The fresh, clean taste of citrus and water is irresistible! (Oh my goodness, where is my glass?) 

I saw my family doctor on Monday. She checked my vitals (all great) and is referring me to another doctor since most of her patients are seniors. “Young, pregnant women” aren’t her typical clientele, you see (her words, not mine!). I reminded her that I am, in fact, 40. She frowned and said, “I need to get you in with an obstetrician right away,” as if she had half-forgotten she was looking at a ‘geriatric’ pregnancy. (Speaking of seniors!)

Ah, medicine, with its delightful vocabulary like “mucosal plug,” “mons pubis,” and the ultimate gem, “geriatric pregnancy.” Apparently, anyone pregnant and over the ANCIENT age of 35 earns this charming title. What a self-esteem boost! My “advanced maternal age” makes me feel so incredibly attractive.

Now, I’ll admit I’m half-joking here. I’m a bit vain, perhaps, but not entirely clueless. I know there are added risks at my age, so I’m mentally preparing myself for a battery of tests. At this stage, we still don’t even know if everything is okay!

As I left the appointment, I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of adventure lies ahead. I should be hearing from the new doctor soon, I’m expecting an ultrasound appointment shortly, and have a requisition for blood work. The excitement is real!

**I wrote most of this a couple of days ago. We had the ultrasound today! The baby is within the uterus, and there is a detectable heartbeat! So far, everything looks good! I like exclamation points!

The Unexpected News

June 15:

Pregnant. The word ricocheted through my mind, an elusive pinball of emotion bouncing between fear and wonder. I paced around the house. I dazedly picked things up and put them back down again. I tried to listen to part of a podcast and then wandered off and paid no attention at all. Pregnant.

Moments before, I had taken an expired pregnancy test, one I had dug out from the back of the cupboard, and the result had screamed at me from the viewing window. Two pink lines. Brazen as you please.

Reason urged me to dismiss its validity. It was expired, right? I had checked the wrapper, and the best before date was 2019. Four years ago? Come on, it couldn’t possibly be accurate. I only used it because my period was a bit late. (Ok, so it was four days late.)

Well, anyway, I’d just need to buy a new one and get a real answer. Nothing to worry about. Heck, later I’d probably be enjoying a gin and tonic in the sun, laughing at my own silliness. “Pregnant.” Pfft…”Perimenopausal,” more like. Lots of people my age have trouble getting pregnant. I was surely being stupid.

Still, I found myself caught in a frantic dance of restless steps, tracing aimless paths across the familiar terrain of my home. Pregnant… I would try to put it out of my head, only to find the resounding echo bubbling up through my thoughts.

I had to be chill. I was stuck waiting until my son came home. He was borrowing the car for an errand, and I needed him to come back with it. My son. My only other child. My 20-year-old son. The last time I was pregnant.

When he finally came back, I muttered something about needing to buy cat food and jumped into the car with a singular purpose. I tried not to allow myself to follow the pinball clanging around my mind. If you’re pregnant now, the baby would be due in March. I turned the radio up.

Once at the grocery store, I grabbed a big bag of cat food and casually hit the pharmacy aisle. Toothpaste, maxi pads, condoms…dammit, where are they? After far too long (and some less-than casual hunting), I finally found what I was looking for.

Once I was out of the store (the person ahead of me needed a price check, wouldn’t you know it?), I was back in the car and guzzling from my water bottle. Pee was the next important step. There needed to be pee.

Once home, I dropped the cat food on the floor along with my keys and made a beeline to the bathroom. I took the second test. There was no need to wait the full 3 minutes prescribed by the test. The damn lines were back almost instantly.

Oh.

Oh my. This wasn’t part of the plan...

I’m 40, and I’m pregnant.

The Upside of Jealousy

No one is proud of being jealous.

It never makes you look any better.  It’s not exactly endearing or cute. Because it’s such a negative feeling, it is often assumed that jealousy is to be fully avoided.  After all, being jealous does nothing to improve your life, right?

Worse, since it is seen as a “bad” feeling, most of us will do our damndest to pretend it’s not there at all.  We’ll shove it aside, ignore it or try to out-think it. I’m not jealous!  Of course I applaud my friend’s successes!  We assure ourselves that we’re happy for that coworker who just went on her dream vacation.  We can’t stop smiling about so-and-so’s fabulous wedding. We’re genuinely excited to see that acquaintance’s impressively-ripped fitness selfies! 

Except of course that we’re all human, and watching other people succeed can make you feel like your own life is lacking.  That’s ok. Experiencing jealousy is completely normal. Wait, let me say it again, just in case you missed it…

Getting jealous is normal.

It doesn’t make you bad, or immoral.  It is not proof that you are a terrible person or a terrible friend.  It doesn’t mean that you are weak, or that you have failed. It only means that you’re jealous, which is a thing that happens sometimes, and when it does happen it’s worth exploring.

Why? Because far from being something we should shove aside and deny, jealousy is actually useful. Jealousy shows us what we’re missing and where we can improve. It can illuminate your path for you.  What if your jealousy is really a compass, trying to show you which way to go in life?

You may notice that you never get jealous of people doing things you have no interest in. Instead, people tend to develop envy around others with similar backgrounds, experiences and life goals. You’re more likely to be jealous of someone who is a lot like you, but who has accomplished something that you haven’t. .  

For instance, there is a much greater chance of my experiencing jealousy over someone’s successful writing career than over how well they play football.  I may be able to admire a player’s physical strength, ability and speed, but I can’t imagine watching a football game and feeling envy! But then, it’s not as if I ever dreamed of becoming a football player.  It’s not something I have any emotional connection to.

Jealousy, on the other hand, is deeply emotional.  It awakens a dissonance within us. It reminds us of the distance between our actual achievements and our dreams.   This internal dissonance between reality and our goals is a wonderful clue as to where we should focus our efforts. You don’t need to internally reprimand yourself for being jealous.  The important thing is how you deal with it.

Because, yes, there’s definitely a wrong way!  There’s a reason why jealousy has a bad reputation.  Shoving down your jealousy until you can’t take it anymore, denying it or letting it fester will almost certainly produce disastrous results.  Instead, we must strive to hold jealousy up to the light for further examination.  

Notice that I am not talking about blaming yourself, I am only saying that you should acknowledge those feelings.  Observe them without judgement. Ok, this person has inspired this uncomfortable feeling. Why? What’s this person got that you ain’t got? (Be as specific and detailed with yourself as possible!) What do you feel is lacking in that area of your life?  What can you start doing to change that? This type of analysis is insanely valuable. Your jealousy is really motivation in disguise. Use that jealousy to help you uncover what is making these successful people so successful, and then channel that fire into your own efforts.

A funny thing happens when you analyse jealousy, too.  It tends to fall apart. Seriously! Typically, once you’ve teased apart your jealousy enough to understand your own motivations, you’ve taken all of the vitriol out of the feeling.  After all, YOU got jealous because something is unfulfilled in YOUR life. Now that you’ve acknowledged this (instead of burying it), it’s easy to see that the target of your jealousy is not the problem.  If anything, they were just the messenger.

Once we take on the jealousy and work through it, it will lose its power.  Then the jealousy becomes a little friendlier. Softer. Much more socially acceptable. Boil jealousy down into its component parts, and I believe that you’ll ultimately be left with inspiration. And feeling inspired to work toward the life of your dreams is something you can be proud of!

 

Embracing the Night Owl

Goddammit.

I look at my watch and realize I’ve done it again. It’s already 6:30am, not 5am, like I had hoped.  I didn’t get up early enough.  Again.  Now all of my plans are down the tubes, and I know that I’m going to have to rush to make it out the door on time. Ugh. I feel instantly defeated. I’m starting the day behind.

The defeated feeling makes it easier to stay in bed for another couple of minutes. After all, I already know that I don’t have time to write, or to sneak in a workout. I have once again failed at being a zen ninja who gets up at 5 and does ALL THE THINGS.  I’ve failed at being someone who doesn’t have to rush, and who actually looks good by the time they get to work.  Dammit.  Dammit.  Dammit.

I know that disappointed feeling so well.  It got there after years of swallowing so many self-help books, blog posts and podcasts from productivity gurus. It’s there from all of those moments when I heard and believed the messaging we get about early risers. They are the accomplished people among us. They are the ones out there getting the proverbial worms. I don’t know about you, but it’s a message I’ve gotten from childhood; like brushing your teeth and getting regular exercise, getting up early is wholesome. Beneficial. Good.

Let’s just face it; it’s how society is geared. I know that I was taught that “sleeping in” meant laziness. “Sleeping in” meant you weren’t out there seizing the day. No one looks down on an early riser.  The 9-5 work day has long been the standard. School starts before 9AM. Plus, you early birds have the comfort of knowing that you are following in the footsteps of some truly great people. Ben Franklin? Early riser. Oprah? Crack of dawn. Michelle Obama? On the treadmill by 4:30AM.

I bought into those productivity goals hardcore. I set them for myself. And I tried. I mean, I really tried to make it work. 

Until one day, after another frustrating morning, when I was sick of beating myself up as soon as I was awake enough to do so, I realized that I was constantly fighting my natural tendency, and maybe it was wiser to not battle against myself.   Like, maybe mornings really aren’t for me.  Maybe that’s ok.  Maybe there’s another way.

The thought alone was freeing.  I’m a night owl.  I don’t relish early mornings.  Never really have.  That’s alright. I’m great at staying up late.

It was one of those unique moments in life when the puzzle piece just fits.  It feels like something just goes “click” in your brain, and you’re able to look back on your life with new perspective.  (In my case, I realized that the price I’ve been paying for being a night owl is a lot of grumpy, rushed mornings and self-blame.) It helped me realize that I wasn’t just continuously “failing.”  It may be that I simply am not designed to perform at my best early in the day.  Which explains why I never managed to adjust to early mornings, even after years of trying.  Every morning I felt like I was struggling to get things done, and still barely making it out the door.

Realizing that I’ve just swallowed a lot of pro-morning propaganda has brought about a feeling of liberation almost akin to a religious epiphany; it’s given me so much more joy in my dark little heart. I’ve always had more fun at night and been a night person. Squishing myself into that perceived more “wholesome”day-friendly schedule has been nothing short of painful.

Such an obvious thing to overlook in myself and to never have respected properly. Well, I get it now, and I won’t continue to punish myself for my own nature. It might not be what so many gurus recommend, but I have to do what works for me.  I already know that letting go of this expectation and changing my schedule a bit is making me happier.

 

 

More Like, Picking up Karma! 🌲🌿🍃💗

I just picked up two grocery bags full of icky litter!

I hate litter, but you know what whining about it does? NOTHING. (Unfortunately.) On the other hand, going out in the fresh air and doing a little dirty work? Well, it might not save the world, but it at least makes an immediate difference!

This post was made with the specific intent of encouraging you to also pick up litter. Even just one coffee cup missing from the landscape makes an improvement.

Springtime Blessings to you! 🐇🐣

Corporate Cluelessness

So, if you were at a work meeting, and someone mentioned having just discovered Buddhism, how would you act? Or, if a friend of yours in the office confided, loudly enough to be overheard, that she just taken up a Hindu meditation practice? Or, how about all those colleagues I sometimes hear talking about a shared experience at church? What’s the proper office protocol?

Granted, the office really isn’t the place for religious discussion, but if we’re being honest, from time to time it does happen. And, if we’re all going to be tolerant of one another, ideally it shouldn’t really matter if it does. That said, I think if you encountered any of these situations above, as a rational human being, you are going to greet the person with respect. You might even be a little curious! You definitely wouldn’t laugh. That would be exceedingly rude.

Imagine my surprise when I encountered the following situation in a training class at work today…

There’s this middle-aged woman in my class, and I don’t know how they got started on the topic, but somebody asked her if she was Catholic. And she said, “actually no, if I’m anything these days I feel like I’m mostly Wiccan.” Which I thought was a lovely thing for her to say, and very honest too! And the girl sitting behind her burst out laughing. And I mean she really laughed.

It seems to me that most other religions would expect a little more respect. It also seems to me that my religion deserves every bit as much respect as anyone else’s. It’s hard not to react negatively in that type of situation. But I suppose I have to understand, it might just come down to cluelessness.😤

Perhaps there’s a way to gently educate my coworker? I haven’t said anything yet.

Nagging Little Things

I had a nagging little thing going on in my life. I’m ashamed to say that I lived with it for a few weeks. Just a small, nagging little thing; something that needed to be done that I somehow couldn’t get myself around to doing.

You know how anxiety can make the slightly unfamiliar seem insurmountable. This thing was on my “To-Do” list, but I still managed to avoid it. In my case, my “nagging little thing” was a slow leak in the left rear tire of my car.

This is the kind of stuff that isn’t a big deal until it is. Obviously, I can’t go around with a flat tire, but it wasn’t flat. Just a little low. Inconvenient. The first time I noticed it, I buzzed by the gas station to put in some air. I have sensors on my tires, and I’ve had a slow leak before, so this part doesn’t intimidate me. (Due to prior tire experience, I know that in the time that it takes for me to say “one-one-thousand” slowly to myself as I inflate my tire, I gain about 20kp of pressure.)

I didn’t rush out and properly address the tire issue. Instead, I became even better at inflating my tire by feel. I can put in the air, hop back into the driver’s seat, turn the key to check the tire gauge on my dash, and be right where I want to be without overfilling, all in a matter of seconds.

So I just kept doing that. Every couple of days I had to make a date with an air hose to get my tire back up where it needed to be. Real cool.

So, why not just get it seen to right away? Like a sensible person? I could tell you that it’s because I work full-time, making it a bit of a hassle (true!), or I could say that I wasn’t keen on maybe having to buy a new tire (also true!), but mostly I was just procrastinating about having to do something mildly uncomfortable. I mean, to fix my tire, I had to take action. I would have to find a garage to look at my tire, find a time during which they could do that and not leave me stranded, physically drive to the garage (a place that I know shockingly little about), and then maybe buy a new tire. Car stuff is always a whole thing.

So I repeated the every-two-day tire-filling process ad nauseam. It almost became part of my routine.

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I was being haunted by a tire. (Ok, it wasn’t a killer tire, but still…)

Well, Friday morning I stopped for air at the gas station. Again. On my way to work. Again. I told a guy there that I was going to get my tire fixed or replaced over the weekend. I guess I only blurted it out because I felt awkward, knowing he had seen me come by for the exact same thing many times before.

Well, damn. That changed things a little. I might have had it on my ‘to-do’ list, but it’s different when you say something out loud, even to a stranger who probably doesn’t care about it one way or the other. Add in any accountability at all, even accidental, blurted accountability, and it changes the pressure in your mind.

I would recommend that all people with a “nagging little thing” build in some kind of accountability. It really lights a fire under your ass. Even if that fire is only there to convince you that you don’t want to have to go back on your word, or back to the hose at the gas station again, because now you’ll feel stupid.

Saturday I had some errands to run, and you know how crazy it gets driving around on Saturday afternoons! I wound up trying to turn left onto a main road at the height of traffic. When I realized the futility of this attempt, I changed tactics, indicated to turn right instead, and planned to use the next available street on my left as a way to turn around and join the flow of traffic in the opposite direction.

I turned right and headed up the road. I came into the next available turning lane on my left, and made my way onto a side street.

Right in front of a garage.

I mean, seriously, even I knew I would be silly to pass up this opportunity. Briefly, I imagined having to once again pull off the road during the Monday morning rush to inflate my tire. In front of that same gas station guy. Ugh. No thanks. Before I had a chance to convince myself that I was ‘too busy,’ or whatever, I pulled into the lot, headed for the reception desk and managed to get booked in for a couple of hours later.

I got my mom to come back out with me, and we actually turned car time into coffee and quality time together. Not half bad. We headed back to the garage together later, and…

It was only a dented rim! They knocked it back into place and everything was fine. I dropped it off and had my car back in a little over half an hour. No new tire required. Simple. Shoulda done it ages ago.

Have you also got a “nagging little thing”? If so,consider this your ass kick to make that call, book that appointment or take that next step. You’ll feel so much better when you do! Start by building a little accountability, (i.e. tell someone), and then take that action. It might be a whole lot easier than you expect!

Light, life and love,

-Jennnq

Day 3: Good News, Everyone!

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It looks as though I will be fortunate enough to have this lesson last for a loooong time!  It is…somewhat challenging to never complain.

I have finally arrived at day 3.  Honestly, this is the furthest I have made it so far without having to reset.  I have high hopes of making it to day 4.

Since this is going to take a while, once I finally get through with this, I might just have reprogrammed my brain. The repeated practice has already been more eye-opening than anticipated.  I had assumed that my complaints would be extremely varied. About random stuff. Instead, I have found that they fall into a few main areas. Here are some typical things that might elicit an involuntary complaint, and have me switching over my bracelet in short order: a mild disagreement between my partner and I about how things should be done around the house, being a witness to poor driving during my commute, and any time I am feeling unsatisfied with myself.

Other than all of that crap, I’m golden.  Clearly the solution is live alone in an isolated hut, doing nothing but eating salad, running, writing, singing, sleeping and practicing yoga. Problem solved.

hut

Well, since that doesn’t exactly seem feasible right now, I suppose that I have to work with what life has given me.  I can see that my complaints seem to spring from the places where I am rigid. The places where deviation is not desirable, and where I will protest a movement from the status quo.  Interesting.

I know that I value needlessly rigid methods of organization.  I can only load a dishwasher in neat lines. I believe that there is a “correct” way to fold towels.  I read and follow laundry tags. I clean in a pattern. And then Jason comes along and he does things differently.  And sometimes, I guess I resent that he has disrespected one of my precious systems.  And, I don’t know, I suppose I wind up bitching because I take it personally. Game plan:  Realize that everyone is different, and be more grateful that my partner is good at housework!  Let go of what I can; the dishwasher isn’t personal.

As for driving, well…that’s obvious.  I really value safe driving because I am an anxiety-bag and I really like not dying.  It angers me when people are needlessly reckless, or they’re distracted, or they’re throwing coffee cups out the window.  Ok. Logical enough not liking bad behaviour isn’t crazy. Buuuut, complaining about it doesn’t help either. Game plan: Maintain a positive attitude while driving. If I see someone doing something truly inappropriate on the road, I can do what I can to get their plate number and report them.

I also know that I am more likely to complain if I feel like I am not achieving my fitness goals, if I’ve slept in too much, if I’m wasting too much time, etc.  I need to take care of myself to be in the right frame of mind to do this. Game Plan:  Do my best to live my best life.  When something goes wrong, forgive myself.  Also, take the time to work through/acknowledge negative emotions. Meditation=Better than bitching.

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Indulging in your own personal self-abuse drama?  There’s your mildew!

Is this enough to get me through 21 days?  I hope so! It’s at least got to be enough to get me to Day 4!

Working to turn complaints into action,

Jennnq

Day 1: The 21-Day No Complaint Challenge

Subtitle:  Missus, Quit Yer Bitchin’

Full disclosure: I had to switch my bracelet over half a dozen times yesterday, so…today is my new Day 1!  We’re off to an auspicious start! (That wasn’t a complaint, I swear!)

Actually, this is completely ok and somewhat expected.  Proponents of this challenge, including Will Bowen himself insist that there is no shame in Day 1.  Here’s a video of him doing/struggling with the challenge. (It’s only 3 minutes long!)

But still, having to switch it like, 6 times?  Even I was a little surprised. I did notice that the complaints that surfaced were these bitchy little throw-away thoughts.  They were grumpy impulse vocalizations about little things around the house, for the most part. So, at the very least, I would say that I am already becoming a little more aware. We will see if that awareness pays off today!

On a totally different note, Jason brought home a foldable craft table yesterday!  I am very happy about this, because it gives me a space to set up my candle-making supplies in the basement!  Candles are fun to make, but a they are a bit time-consuming (they must be left untouched for many hours while drying) and always a little messy.  Up until now, my candle-making operations have been very limited. NOW I can definitely get a few going at once. Look at me, not taking over any kitchen counter space!

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Got an outlet right above the table. BTW, those tights you see are handy for rubbing away slight flaws/ seams left from the candle molds.

 

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Most people’s partners/parents/roommates do NOT want this to happen to their stovetop.  Candles require dedicated materials!

I am currently making a “Goddess” candle for myself.  It contains scrap wax from the last one I had, and I think it’s turning out to be a bit of a smokey blue.  I have zero complaints about that! (I use God and Goddess representation candles in my spiritual practice.)  

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This is normal.  The first wax pour typically sinks quite a bit.  A second pour is required. It will look like a regular candle soon enough, I promise!

Anyway, having a little time right now to do things like make candles and putter around the house should put me in a very positive frame of mind.  Hopefully making it easier to cut out any and all complaints?

Either way, I am anxious to get the hot plate heated up and to get that second pour on the go!  I can’t wait to get this one out of the mold and onto the altar.

In light and love,

Jennnq