Photo by Jan Kahánek on Unsplash
Lately I’ve been frustrated with myself. I’ve wanted to write during these past few months. I’ve especially wanted to fill you all in on my mom’s cancer journey, but sitting down to actually do it has been damn near impossible.
For a long time, I thought what I had was a case of writer’s block. After all, what is a writer who doesn’t write? Someone who is clearly “blocked” by something, right?
But, here’s the thing…once I start writing, words come out. I never waste any time staring at a blank screen. It’s just that I so rarely even see the cursor awaiting input. I can’t ever make the time.
A few days ago, I finally got sick of my own bullshit, and opened a blank document. I started typing away with a new determination. (The end result was my most recent post about finding grey hair.)
However, what initially emerged doesn’t look like what I posted. Instead, it was 600 words of self-indulgent navel-gazing. It was a lot of blather about something that happened a few years ago. (I guess I still had something I needed to purge.) Blah blah blah. Whine whine whine. Definitely more appropriate for a diary than online.
It felt good to write, but I wound up scrapping it. Still, the act of writing got me somewhere. It helped me realize that what I’m experiencing isn’t writer’s block. At least not in the traditional sense. It’s something else.
As I wrote, the source of the problem dawned on me all at once, finally revealing itself; this is depression. I am actually depressed.
A resounding bell of recognition clanged through my head. It all made sense…the weight gain and lack of motivation. Those general feelings of “meh” and “blah” that I find myself succumbing to more often.
This new knowledge was a relief. Thinking that “something” is wrong with you, but not knowing what is frustrating! Now that I know, I have a better path forward.
The past year and a half changed everything. I’ve never really been all that depressed, but I’m not surprised that this part of me was amplified.
You see, depression isn’t always big, earth-shattering sadness. Sometimes it manifests as a lack of interest and motivation…just like mine! You can find a list of common symptoms of depression HERE.. Please talk to a health professional if you recognize these symptoms in yourself.
Please do not worry about me. I can promise that I am addressing this. I am speaking to a therapist. I am forcing myself to do things which will ultimately bring me joy. (Like writing more!)
Onwards and upwards,
**NOTE: My mom had breast removal surgery (mastectomy) on Wednesday. At that time, things looked very good and not inflamed. They also removed a few lymph nodes, which the surgeon said looked ok. (She is awaiting further results from pathology.) She has been healing very well, and is far more active and capable at this stage than I would have anticipated.
The results from pathology will dictate the course of the radiation treatment to come. I will share more details shortly. She is doing well, and the chemo has done a good job, judging from the results so far.