The Gremlin Rides at 5:45

It started at 5:45 this evening.  It began as a tiny whisper. Something about it having been a “stressful” Monday, and how nice a big glass of red would be.  

Just one. It nagged at me, as it tried to convince me that one glass of wine was downright healthy.  Perfect with dinner.  A great way to unwind. You deserve to unwind!

The gremlin kept up, off and on, in the back of my mind, but still somehow “present” until about 9:30.  I think at that point it finally realized that I meant business.   

What a strange mental phenomenon.  Kinda fascinating when you try to observe it impartially.  It truly rears its head like a separate voice. It talks to you.  It tries everything it can to reason with you. It has a twisted sense of logic.  

It’s pretty gross that this thing can be borne in a person’s head, just because of alcohol.  I definitely don’t want for my gremlin to grow. Nope. Don’t need anymore voices in my head. I’m already stocked up, thanks. 

No gremlins have been fed this night.

Honesty Time

Honesty time.

After saying I was going to quit red wine, I did a thing that a lot of drinkers do; I decided that one last “hurrah” was ok.  You know, to say a proper goodbye. That opportunity was perfectly presented to me yesterday.

My partner, who shall henceforth be known as Mr. Stardust, decided that we needed to have a get-together last night. He had invited a few couples and wanted to treat or friends to a meal.

A few people came out, and we actually wound up having a really nice time.  It was great to see everyone, and we all seemed to enjoy ourselves.

Although my memory gets a bit hazy.  It was a bit of an indulgent evening. Of course red wine was poured, and I faced a question which was barely a question.  Maintain my resolve, or give in to the last-goodbye. Dear reader, I drank the wine, and then some. After all, I had already half-convinced myself to give in, and I was already home, with no one depending on me.  What the hell. One more time. I had been thinking about it anyway. It’s just a little wine.

So the wine flowed, I laughed and talked and was social.  We played fun music. Overall, a great time was had, and all parties left with a full stomach.  However, after drinking the equivalent of about a bottle, I don’t fully recall how my evening ended.  (I managed to get every bit of my inky eyeliner off though, and I’m still not sure how it happened!)

I spent this morning and a portion of this afternoon in utter hell.  I felt so ill, I didn’t particularly want to stand up. I was incapable of enduring the very thought of food.  No position was comfortable. My head pounded and my stomach was unpredictable.

It’s awful to feel wretched.  A sorry state I was. The part that surprises me is that really, by some people’s standards, it’s not like I even drank that much.  Indulgent, yes, but I would have expected this level of illness from shots of vodka, or something equally powerful.  Nope, one bottle of red wine, and every part of me will loathe last night’s Minerva the following day.

I remembered what booze can do.  Viscerally.  

On the upside, this experience ought to help keep the demon off my shoulder for a day or two.  I also took some other steps to make this a serious project now, and to tighten my resolve. I downloaded a sobriety app to chart the number of days sober, and I also called my sister.

That last bit turned out to be a great choice.  It would seem that my sister is also becoming both wary and weary of alcohol. She doesn’t like how it makes her feel overall, and as a single mom, she really doesn’t time for hangovers of feeling run down. 

So now we’re doing this together and I have real, in-my-face accountability.  (It’s still uncomfortable to admit that I messed this up here though, I don’t want to do this again!)

That means that I have: my sister, an app, a new resolve, and a stomach that lurches at the mere thought of alcohol…let’s do this!

(Actually for real this time.)

Another Look at Alcohol

Recently I said something about quitting alcohol.

Er…about that…  Yep, you guessed it, regrettably, this effort did not stick. I don’t think that I took it seriously enough.  I backslid. I fell back into red wine, and also I drank fancy gin and tonics over the Christmas holidays.  (I highly enjoyed them. Amazing with limes.)

However, I owe it to myself to give this another go and to actually quit drinking.  I don’t want to get all “new year, new me” on you, but now seems like an appropriate time to revisit this goal.

Also, since I am actually blogging all the time now, I can update you regularly on my progress.  (Accountability! Why not?)

In completely different news, I filled the most darling little potion bottle with something to boost my confidence and efficacy at work the other night.  Perhaps I should give more detail tomorrow. That way, I can finally put something on this site under “spells”? It seems rather a shame to let that entire heading go to waste.

Anywho, I’m quite late for bed…