Months and months ago, I auditioned for a local movie. They were looking for “punk” characters, and they were also looking for people in my age group. It seems rare when projects are looking for either, so I got excited.
I signed up, got the sides (excerpts from the script), and got into it. I printed them out and marked them up. I repeated them aloud and mentally. I memorized them. I spoke them more than once to my cat. Got to know them backwards and forwards. Knew the exact intonations I wanted to use in certain places. At home, I had this down.
Then, I got to the audition, and as SOON as I was there, I was whisked into this room that was dark, except for one bright light and the camera in my face, and it was “action” right away, with no chance to breath.
It did.
Not.
Go.
Well.
I managed to get through the first part of it, and then I just…kinda froze? Not my finest hour, and definitely not what I would consider typical!
Anyway, I asked to start the scene over again (because OMG), and the lady said to me, and I shit you not, “No, that’s ok, we’ve seen enough.”
Ouch. Mortifying to say the least. Probably my worst audition ever. Especially for something that had seemed so easy peasy in my bedroom
Some time later, I spoke to my producer/director/actor friend Alix about it. I was still embarrassed, but she laughed it off, and said that everyone needs to take their “actor vitamins” once in a while.
Well, guess I was due again today. Holy Flip though. Do these vitamins ever suck. Only, I guess I can’t really call them “actor vitamins” since this time they’re not acting, but writing-related. Maybe just “artist vitamins”?
That kind of works. There could be a whole slew of “artist vitamins”! In my mind, those vitamins would include things like outright rejections, rejections that suck more because they take endless weeks, and of course the undying expectation that you can and will work for free, because you love your art, and you need ALL OF THE EXPOSURE.
Ugh. It’s hard to be bouncy. Rejection sucks.
A part of me feels like I am not even supposed to write that, or say that. Like it’s sacrilegious. Like I just get to carry on, pretending that nothing weird happened today, and that I am tough, and remind myself quietly that even if I DIDN’T get the job I wanted, the Universe has bigger plans for me, and everything else.
Blah blah blah whatever. I know all of those stories. But I didn’t get a job that I wanted today. Boo. At the end of the day, I understand that, and it’s ok, but guess what? It still blows, and it’s a bitter pill to swallow, and I don’t have to like it. Damn it.
So give me my time to sulk, and to be a jerk, and to let the vitamins work their magic.
Ha. As silly as it sounds, thinking of rejection in this way is helpful. Just knowing that these “artist-vitamins” are so very, very common makes it all a little better to think about. It worked on my brain after that God-awful audition, and it’ll help me now. A reminder of the universality of suck. Really, who HASN’T blown an audition? Mucked up a job interview? Who HASN’T been turned down for some cool thing? I bet even great actors, great writers, and great producers, people involved in the very best projects, have “artist-vitamin” stories that could make us all shudder and anxiety-vomit. Those people are still A-ok.
I’m still ok today too. I just get to take some more vitamins. Hell, given my love of supplements and choking down weird concoctions, this should be easy. Pop in those rejection-filled “artist-vitamins” between the probiotic protein smoothie and the vitamin B.
😦
-Jenn
Crappy day. Snapped this though.
P.S. I swear I’m alright. I have other projects to work on. ❤
Honestly, today I’ll be happy just to think of something to write about. Nothing is forthcoming, and that is so odd for me. Usually, I have something at the tip of my tongue (fingertips?). Something to say. Something to rant about. Some great cause. Well, not today. Not really sure what’s up with today. Am I sad? Nostalgic? What is this mood anyway? Is it the blues? I don’t think so, although the damp gray sky outside could certainly convince me otherwise.
Ah, there. Just turned on the light above my desk. Hopefully its warm glow will help me out. Help illuminate a path for my writing. I can’t actually write nothing today, and I can’t stay in this funky mood, right? I mean, here I am with a snack and talking to you all, and… oh, just flaming great. I’ve no coffee. Hmm. Maybe that’s my problem.
I’ve returned! With coffee! (I also stopped to pet the cat for a bit, and to irritate Jason.) Back to business. Yup, any minute now. I will soon startle you with some grand insight and brilliance into some…great topic.
“Creativity to me is just like…it’s like a bird, like a friendly bird that embraces all…ideas, and just like shoots…out of its eyes all kinds of beauty.”
Ha. Or maybe not. Here I sit without a lesson, or advice, or anything to grab your attention at all. I pause, breathing in and out and watching my cursor. It looks as if it’s breathing back at me. Waiting. Have you got any ideas old friend? No? Didn’t think so. Heh. Post number two and the well has already run dry! How can I possibly hope to make it? Looks like I shouldn’t be writing at all. I’m just wasting all of this time.
Now everyone will know I’m secretly just a hack!
Why am I doing this to myself?
Why am I doing this to you?
Writers are a curious breed. We dance with a partner who may or may not show up. How frustrating to be all dressed up and ready to go, only to be left hanging. The muse is fickle, and if you write, or create in some other way, you know this well.
I wish that all of my writing would emerge in a great torrent of inspiration. I wish the words would consistently fall into place effortlessly, and transform themselves into the pretty sentences, rife with meaning that I dream of writing.
Sometimes, every once in a while, it feels like they do. Those times are beautiful. They are of the ‘time-stands-still’ variety, and they are a part of what makes writing wonderful. When it goes well, the experience is joyful and liberating. The brain is engaged and firing on all cylinders. The heart seems to beat a little faster. The flow state is possible, and everything hums along for a little while. (Yay!)
Then there are the other times. Times with no humming. Times of false starts. Times with five or six chucked opening paragraphs. Times of aimlessly checking the internet in idle frustration. Or, I might simply find that I consistently hate the tone of everything I produce. There are moments when I read back what I’ve written and find it to be too whiny. Too aggressive. Too superficial. Too deep in the weeds. Too personal. Too ethereal. Too abrupt. Too verbose. Too something. Too anything. Those are the times when creativity is challenging, and I feel entirely grateful I’m not stuck whiting things out like in the old days. I know well those trying moments when I must battle for my words, and when they only show up incrementally; one at a molasses-slow time.
So how do you do it? How do you gracefully dance with so unpredictable a partner? The easiest answer is, you just keep doing it.
Sounds simplistic, but it’s the truth. All that you can ever do is invite the muse and show up. You cannot force or cajole her. You just do your job!
Your ‘job’ as a writer or artist, even if you are not currently being PAID to be a writer or artist, is to create. If you are an artist on your own time, and doing it out of love, your time is limited. You must create when the opportunity presents itself, or not at all. You must keep writing even if you don’t like what you’re writing. You must allow yourself bad days at your self-imposed “job,” just as you would expect of anyone else in another job. Don’t think there’s any shame in struggling through a messy hour of disjointed writing. Your job is to show up, ready to dance, with outside distractions kept to a minimum.
She still may not come. It’s worse if you become resentful or full of expectation. Don’t take it out on yourself if you fail to meet your ideals as a writer. (Don’t go into a downward spiral, like I did, up above!) Don’t waste time beating yourself up, especially when the internet is full of trolls aching to do that for you. If no one has told you this today, YOU are AWESOME, and you need to know that, because believing in any other nonsense is going to make the “job” we just talked about that much harder. An instance of “bad” writing does not a bad writer make. It’s ok! It’s very important to generate words, even if they’re terrible, because it always seems like if you keep hacking at it, you will eventually find some less terrible words underneath. (Plus, it’s better to force yourself to write for 15 minutes straight, and then have to edit the ever-loving crap out of it, than to have never written at all!)
If you’re still stuck, you may need a break. A real one. A creative one. Not a TV-watching or internet-surfing one. A brief 20 minutes at a skill or hobby, (e.g. origami, chasing the dog around the backyard) can help your brain get into a better state for creative flow.
Or, you could always do something that often works for me. Take a shower! Not just recommended for hygiene purposes, I find that almost every time I get under the water and my mind gets idle, I start writing things in my head. It just happens, and a LOT of those shower-inspiration moments have become blog posts, or letters to the editor, or even just the right wording for an email I needed to send. (Bonus: you usually smell better afterward, and everyone loves that.)
So you get a wash, you bother to show up, you promise to write no matter what (might wanna turn off that wi-fi!) and you’re truthfully STILL getting nowhere? You need to start thinking of things you care very deeply about. Make a list. Get an old-school pencil and paper if it helps. Why? Because passion makes for damn good writing, that’s why!
Need help? Well, the way I see it, you can go a couple of different directions. Try this: What was the last thing that made you really angry? When was it? Who were you with? Where were you? Really get back there, and get pissed off all over again, but this time on paper. Find the wrong in that situation, and write to fix it.
Not interested in starting your own revolution? Well, go to the other end of the spectrum. When was the last time you felt truly blessed? You know, actually filled with wonder and gratitude. Maybe it was an experience that left you happy to be alive. Maybe just something that made you smile for the rest of the day. Maybe you fell in love over the weekend! Whatever it was, go for something that practically fills your eyes with tears of gratitude. Look at moments when your heart is full, and write to extract meaning.
Not that this is easy. These big things that touch your soul are usually both the hardest and most revealing to write about. Naturally, they are also the most rewarding. Talented impassioned writers, angered over injustices can generate pieces that make you want to stand and take action. Writers who celebrate life, and all of its winning moments can uplift their audience, and build a personal connection that takes the reader along for the ride.
Nearly all writing can be seriously upgraded through merciless editing. This is extremely good news if it didn’t go well the first time around! Thankfully, YOU are smart enough to know what reads well and what doesn’t. Trust yourself. Even if what you first write is hideous, you CAN fix it. (Tip: read things aloud to find the ugly bits quickly!)
Most of the time, once you’ve generated a piece and gone back to edit it a few times (the 4th edit is my secret weapon), you really won’t be able to see a difference between the words written in a fit of inspiration and those that took way more effort. 🙂
So no more excuses! If the muse doesn’t deign to dance with you today, you’d better just get used to doing the funky chicken alone!
Hello, and welcome to my brand-spankin’-new blog! 🙂
If you’ve been following me for a while, or if you’ve ever read a “garden variety punk” post, then THANK YOU. (If we’re completely new to each other, that’s awesome too…no presuppositions!)
If you want to know more about me, you can read what’s in the craftily-titled “About Me” section above. Really though, I’m just another carbon-based life-form riding along on this tiny blue-green marble, hurtling through space at ridiculous speed, trying not to trip over my own shoelaces. I’m no super-athlete. Or super-genius. Honestly, I’m not even that great in the kitchen either. What I AM is someone who isn’t afraid to work hard, and who is driven by natural curiousity.
This leads me to my goals. What am I hoping to accomplish here? What’s the purpose of “Critical Happiness”? Why is this site called that? Why do l have to be so critical of happiness anyway? I mean geez, what is my actual problem? Why am I continuing to write these rhetorical questions to myself? Will Tom marry Sue, or finally leave her for Rachel?? WHAT IS ANY OF THIS EVEN ABOUT???
*Ahem* I do have a couple of ends in mind when writing to you, actually. Firstly, I am a huge nerd, and I miss the work of blogging. It’s good practice. It’s fun. It’s personal. (It’s amazing how much better it looks by the third edit.) I also know that I’m a sucker for genuine feedback, and that’s part of what makes blogging more exciting than writing in your diary.
Secondly, I need a way to represent myself that allows me the freedom to write as I please. Here, I can create writing reflective of my ideals and visions. Who doesn’t prefer their own rules to someone else’s agenda? I get to be as rant-y as I want and that’s cool because it’s my blog. In fact, I can talk about all the baddies if I feel like it; religion, politics, even about how funny pictures of Donald Duck with Donald Trump’s face are. (Hint: very)
Thirdly, and most importantly, I am back, writing in this new blog because I want to share this crazy happiness-chasing life-journey thing with you! As cheesy as it sounds, it really is a journey, and I don’t have all the answers, but I am at least open to sharing, and to connecting with other happiness-seekers. You know who you are.
Critical Happiness
Now that you know a bit about why I’m here, what’s the deal with the name anyway?
On the most basic level, it means what it says. Happiness is critical. Life kinda sucks without it. This blog is part of my belief that working to create and preserve happiness is absolutely vital. It’s arguably the most important pursuit of your life. If you don’t have happiness, you don’t have much. If you live in a giant mansion but you’re miserable, you may as well be in any old hut. Simple enough.
To get deeper into the “critical” thing, I also believe that thinking critically is a path to better understanding. Understanding leads to increased control over personal circumstances, and that personal autonomy leads to a better chance at happiness. If you have at least some control over your life, you have a shot of feeling good about it. That’s why a part of my concept behind this blog is an element of deconstruction. Blind acceptance is dangerous. Don’t assume the prescribed recipes for happiness are the right ones for you. I believe in the validity of questioning them, testing them, and observing what some of the greats do. The better we become at taking in and evaluating information, the better we can be at unpacking real habits, ideas and ways of living that promote lasting happiness.
Lastly, I am keen to link the concept of happiness to the idea of critical mass. Simply put, if you manage to do the right stuff, in the right order (e.g. good food, adequate sleep, reasonable exercise) you might just find that you wake up happy. I love this idea of being able to push yourself, bit by bit, and piece by piece into happiness. Like, if you lead the best life you can, you eventually just won’t be able to help it!
It’ll happen, like some kind of a happiness…
EXPLOSION!!
(Honestly though, I hope it’s somewhat less violent than this.)
Critical Happiness 